dominus_trinus (dominus_trinus) wrote in house_musical,
dominus_trinus
dominus_trinus
house_musical

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Title: Doctor House
Pairing: N/A
Genre: Filk
Summary: Cuddy, Wilson and the original fellows discuss the matter of a certain misanthropic bastard (à la "Maria", from Rodgers and Hammerstein's The Sound of Music).

CUDDY:
The day I’ve had!  He drives me mad,
Although he’s always right.
But his methods are immoral:
Each case incites a fight.
Okay, it saves the patient,
But there has to be some slight—
And on days when he’s pissed off, it’s a lawsuit!

He’s never in the clinic!

WILSON:
Well, you know he hates it there.

CUDDY:
Doesn’t respect authority!

CHASE:
But won’t be made to care.
He’s crazy, but he’s brilliant—

CUDDY:
And he drives me to despair!
Some days I think the bastard should be fired!

CAMERON:
If I could say a word in his defense?

CUDDY (spoken, wearily):
If you absolutely must, Cameron.

CAMERON (sung):
His methods…make some…sense.

CUDDY:
How do you solve the problem of Doctor House?

WILSON:
How do you make him see he has to bend?
How do you describe a man like Doctor House?

FOREMAN:
A sociopath.

CAMERON:
Maladjusted.

CHASE:
A genius.

WILSON:
A friend.

Many a thing I’ve tried and tried to tell him—
Too often it’s like speaking to a wall.
As he refuses to stay,
And listen to what I say,
Sometimes I’m so afraid that he will fall.

FOREMAN:
Oh, how do you solve the problem of Doctor House?

CUDDY:
How do you make him obey when you call?

WILSON:
When I’m with him I’m at ease:
Plan a prank or shoot the breeze,
It’s the only time that I don’t play a part.

CHASE:
Though I must admit in practice
He’s as thorny as a cactus,
He’s a mentor—

FOREMAN:
He’s a menace!

CAMERON:
With a heart!

CUDDY:
Treats all his patients like crap,
Doesn’t know to shut his trap!
He could bring this institution to its knees!
He’s a madman—

CHASE:
He’s a teacher!

CAMERON:
Misunderstood.

FOREMAN:
Wild creature.

WILSON:
Innovative!

CUDDY:
Anarchistic!

CAMERON:
Knows disease.
How do you solve the problem of Doctor House?

CHASE:
How can you reach the standards he demands?

FOREMAN:
How do you manage to work with Doctor House?

CAMERON:
Try to understand him.

CHASE:
Go along with all
His plans.

CUDDY:
Many a rule I’d love to make him follow:
His ethics need to be brought into line!

CHASE:
Learn how to choose when to fight.

WILSON:
And know when he’s right, he’s right.
(That doesn’t mean all that he does is fine.)
Oh, how do you solve the problem of Doctor House?

ALL:
There is no single answer to assign.
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