dominus_trinus (dominus_trinus) wrote in house_musical,
dominus_trinus
dominus_trinus
house_musical

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Title: I am the Very Model of a Diagnostic Mastermind
Pairing: N/A
Genre: Filk
Summary: House and his methods, à la Gilbert and Sullivan.
Feedback: Insatiably hungered for and immeasureably appreciated.

I am the Very Model of a Diagnostic Mastermind
(To the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan’s “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” from The Pirates of Penzance.)
Scene: Enter HOUSE, followed by WILSON and ORIGINAL FELLOWS as CHORUS.

HOUSE:
I am the very model of a diagnostic mastermind;
There is no answer out there that I can’t eventually find.
Of infectious diseases I’ve a knowledge categorical,
Which I will often illustrate in language metaphorical!
No myst’ry illness stands a chance, not if I choose to give pursuit;
I record symptoms, demand theories until one of them bears fruit.
To keep my point quite simple: watch me work and you will surely find
I am the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!

CHORUS:
He is the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
He is the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!
He is the very model of a diagnostic master—mastermind!

HOUSE:
Don’t ask me for humanity; compassion’s not my strongest suit,
For my worldview is cynical and altruism won’t compute.
Stand up and face reality; don’t tell me that I’m full of it
Not when my every patient is a liar or a hypocrite.

CHORUS:
It’s his view of reality and he will not be swayed from it:
Just about every person is a liar or a hypocrite!

HOUSE:
I rule over this hospital just like a king who’s holding court,
And according to Wilson I’ve a complex of the Rubik’s sort.
Oh, call it what you like: until the puzzle’s solved I won’t relent
And if you ask my fellows, you will not hear any different.
Into our patients’ houses I regularly command them barge—
They’ve gotten very skilled at this: not a single felony charge!
When called into question my ethics often incur Cuddy’s wrath,
But I pride myself on refusal to stray from my chosen path!

CHORUS:
He prides himself on obstinate refusal to stray from his path!
He prides himself on obstinate refusal to stray from his path!
He prides himself on obstinate refusal to stray from his—from his path!

HOUSE:
Oh, my unique philosophy of patient treatment serves me well—
Just let’s not speak of the gunman or of that crazy cop from hell!
And if now and again there’s been a patient left unsatisfied,
Whatever pain they went through was avoidable, except they lied.

CHORUS:
And if now and again there’s been a patient left unsatisfied,
It was because the history they gave wasn’t quite bona fide.

HOUSE:
It goes without saying that I’ll only take interesting ills;
I hate the clinic: time there’s a waste of my diagnostic skills.
But once you have my attention, there’s nothing that I will not try
(An encounter with bullet-ridden corpse blew up the MRI).
I’ll have tests run and check them twice—and of course it’s a point of pride
That symptoms will be scrutinized from their every angle and side.
My bedside is abominable; in the end it matters not—
Because I can work out whatever the hell my dumb patient’s got!

CHORUS (2X):
His bedside is abominable; in the end it matters not—
Because he’s a genius at working out what his patient has got!

HOUSE:
I’m sarcastic and arrogant and really unconventional
And if I have offended you, please know it was intentional.
I’ve earned the rights to my ego: just watch me work and you will find
I am the very model of a diagnostic mastermind!

CHORUS:
His ego is enormous, but just watch him work and you will find  
He more than lives up to his hype, this diagnostic mastermind!
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